So it’s been a while since I’ve written here. I’ve been focusing a lot of my time on Instagram and trying to start up some YouTube videos. If I’m being honest, I felt like blogs were not what people wanted anymore. And I didn’t think I had anything to say. If I am being further honest, even before the quarantines of 2020 started, I was struggling with my mental health and self doubt. And so I stepped away from blogging.
So, what changed? Well, I’m not very good at editing YouTube videos, and the social distancing is killing me. So I need a way to social-nearness without compromising health. And this is the best way to do this.
As of yesterday, I’ve reopened my Etsy shop, with a few cute stickers and pins, if I may say so myself!
The last year has had quite a lot of ups and downs. But, I’ve been working a little every day (for the most part) on creating some kind of art. I’m also still working full time from home (for now), and trying to help with the kids virtual schooling at home as well.
Last Fall, I tried to take to courses at OSU for social work and psychology. In short, I stopped attending one that was fully asynchronous, which I had never heard of before, The second was partially asynchronous, and I got a sadly average grade because I kept missing the asynchronous content. It was overwhelming me with the pandemic and all the new changes at home. But, as of this week, I was officially diagnosed with ADHD. While some people might be upset with a diagnosis, I am incredibly relieved. My whole life I’ve thought I was a lazy, unprincipled, broken, stupid person. In college (over 20 years ago), I was diagnosed with Bipolar disorder. I’ve been in therapy and on and off meds for a large part of my life since then, with worsening problems and really unpleasant side effects. But it finally makes sense, and I am looking forward to weaning off the anxiety and depression meds I am on and moving towards an exciting future with a clearer mind and more focus.
I think that’s enough catching up for now, but I plan to revisit this blog as a way to keep sharing my life and work.
I have been struggling lately. As have many of us. The world can seem a frightening, frustrating place. I struggle personally with feeling like I fit in, or that my voice matters. I have insecurities about my value in the lives of people important to me, and if I’m doing enough to help the world and the suffering while I have a relatively privileged life. I struggle with anxiety and am seeing professionals to help me with it. Some days, I have enough spoons to reach out and help others. But many, I don’t have any more energy than to slide through the day and coast until I can fall asleep.
But I’ve been noticing a very frustrating comment popping up around me and on social media.
I’ve been depressed. Not inordinately so, but enough to not want to try and write about it every day.
I’ve been thinking about what I spoke to my therapist about. While I’m becoming more and more glad that I’ve gotten the poison of “the network” out of my daily routine, I’ve been really thinking about what kinds of connections are important to me.
I woke up shaken from last night’s dresser debacle. My children and husband are still sleeping as I left for work.
The sky is dark, but there’s a faint pinkish-amber glow to the East. The sun is coming out. The sky is beautiful and I want to take a picture and share with my friends like I usually do whenever there is a beautiful morning. I remember that I’m not on “the network”. I could post to Instagram or Twitter but most of my friends don’t have accounts there.
I got up and downloaded a stupid game app to fill a little bit of my time while I was still waking up. I know I’m replacing one type of addiction with another, but at least cute little dragons don’t fill me with existential dread.
I decided to make homemade strawberry jam. This was completely out of character for me. It was really fun and my daughter helped. I felt really good to make something from scratch that took a long period of focused time. Continue reading Unfriending Facebook: Day 3